What do you want?

Can you accept the notion that once you change your internal state, you don’t need the external world to provide you with a reason to feel joy, gratitude, appreciation, or any other elevated emotion?” Dr. Joe Dispenza, breaking the habit of being yourself.

Fortunately I never fell into the self help trap of- ‘5 steps to a new you’ or something of the like. I’ve always innately understood that to get to the good stuff, it will likely take some work. But the question always was, where is the map?

When in the midst of trials, it isn’t always the easiest thing to ask God/Goddess or the universe because you aren’t thinking of perceiving correctly. So anything that comes through to you appears garbled, in riddles or blurry at best.

Sometimes the best thing to ask yourself is, what do I want? What will bring me the most joy? What makes my life complete? Envisioning yourself being well, filled with joy and happy. And if we are really perceptive, we will soon realize that there is no outside source that has the magic ticket but it is all found within. The greatest hurdle… getting the mind right.

We are all so accustomed to thinking about what troubles us but what about thinking about what we actually want? What if we were to focus solely on what we want and liberate our minds from the chains of our worries and concerns?

I had been told for years that meditating was not good because I was emptying my mind, rather than filling it with God’s word. But the trouble for me was the bible was still a place to attain to- the concepts and ways of living that were listed in it were to be achieved. Sure the holy spirit would help you get there, I understood that. But I always felt there was something more to it. I found that with disciplined bible reading, it wasn’t fixing the damage, it was merely paving over it. I didn’t feel like I was becoming a new person, I felt like I was putting on a new person but one that looked like me. If that makes any sense at all…

So over the last several months since we have been out in California and I am away from the projections of others, their perceptions of who I am, I have been able to discover who I really am. She does not identify with religion. She doesn’t hold a book above any other books. She prefers nature over a building called church. She would rather love people, just to love them without an agenda. Not to love them to save them from themselves. Because honestly, I believe this is how God loves people, Jesus sure did.

I had to ask myself what I wanted. A good hard questioning of myself. The answers weren’t the kind of answers I may have had 10 years ago, or even 6 months ago. I want peace. I want wholeness. I want to know the truth, the real truth. I want to walk away from anything that feels like its choking the life out of me. Or anything that looks like a “to do” list. I want to break free of the man made contructs of time and space.

We are here to build a new world because the old systems are failing and many have already failed but a small group of people keep gluing and taping it back together from behind the curtain and telling us to not pay attention to what is going in behind the curtain. The curtain needs to come down! The veil, if you will…

Life isn’t what we think it is. Many of the things we spend time chasing after and promoting are simply in place to keep us busy and often times complacent. We have been sold on ideas and ideologies. Do you really want a huge house and a ton of money in the bank? Will that make you feel whole? You know what many before us have said about what it is like at the top? 1, there is nothing at the top and 2, it is lonely up there.

Money won’t fill you; religion won’t fill you, a partner won’t do it either. Get your head in the game and seek an elevated way of living. Real living. If you can clear away all the clutter and chatter, you will see and hear the truth. It knows you are looking for it, it will come to you. Wholeness is found in and of self. You are indeed a terrifying person when you need nothing outside of yourself to find satisfaction and that is the way it ought to be.

I hope this helps and encourages someone today. This message revealed to me was of great comfort. It freed me from outside influences or circumstances within my environment. It gave me the courage to be stronger and to know I wasn’t burying my feelings or thoughts but that this is just who I am. I am independent of those around me, in the sense that I could remain uneffected and at the same time, we are all connected. It doesn’t have to alter my thoughts and actions. For any of you that have been following me here or my other blog for years prior, you have a vague idea of my daily challenges, so my sentiments in this last paragraph may make better sense to you.

This finding freedom blog was started as a consorted effort of sharing ideas and movements toward finding freedom and freedom of the mind is a massive player. Once you reach that place, what do you have left to fear?

Trauma life

I haven’t written in a while, I know… It isn’t that I haven’t had anything to say, it’s just, I didn’t know how to articulate all the things that have been going through my mind the last several months. I feel some days, as though the veil has been pulled from my eyes and I see so many things about life so much clearer. Although, that doesn’t make the day to day any easier, it has just served to remove my comforting safety blanket from around me. Which, I have always said, give me the truth, even if it hurts— no matter how ugly it is.

This week was a real tear. Our daughter was in the hospital again, first time in quite a while. So, that in itself is quite the victory. But it doesn’t make this week any less painful. We were beginning to see shades of last years misadventure in her health, so I knew it was time to take her in. The trauma life is exhausting. I have spent the better part of my silence with the blog meditating and finding new ways to usher in peace. Because to be honest, the old ways weren’t cutting it. I grew frustrated with muttering scriptures and listening to worship music, when some days I just didn’t believe the words. I’m being utterly honest. There is a brutal truth though, I must say to the power of renewing the mind. I believe it is key. But the well from which that renewal comes from isn’t as small as I once believed it to be.

Trauma, when experienced in life as an extreme series of events begins to mold who you are. I’m not speaking of an isolated event, although those carry their own weight too. But I am addressing here is, one event after another and another, sometimes adding up to years of trauma. Inescapable trauma. As for our household, we take all manner or measures to prevent undue trauma. We foresaw the events that unfolded this last week and fought to prevent them but did not have the “modern medical community’s” cooperation. What we experienced could have been prevented, had they listened and acted.

Trauma can be likened to magnets. When one counterpart moves, the other moves. There is an awareness, that is almost superhuman in place that has to exist as such. Without it, survival is compromised. It is living hyper-attuned. You see, after a series of traumatic events and remaining there (especially because you have to) you cannot go back to who you once were because that person no longer exists. The woman I once knew is long gone. We share memories; some common interests, maybe even music but she is far behind me.

I have spent the past several months rediscovering who I am. What makes me tick. What lights my soul on fire. What ushers in peace. What music do I REALLY like? Wow… I have learned so much about myself! I have learned that meditating before bed really helps me quiet my mind so that I can fall asleep faster. I have discovered that smudging sage before bed helps me to feel like I am in tune with nature— even though we live in a concrete jungle. I love watching tv shows and movies that are historically based, maybe with a little bit of a love story to it. I miss rain, a lot. I love reading, it is quite possibly my favorite leisure activity. I have discovered my strength again. I have learned that I CAN keep my mouth shut when I need to and that I don’t have to let my emotions run me. I have discovered that not all my thoughts are mine but that they are in fact things that people have told me, about me. I have learned that to master your mind, you have to be an observer of your own thoughts, rather than allowing them to just run wild on their own. I have realized that I don’t like being told who to be; how to act, dress, speak, what to believe. Now these things, being told who I am, those things nearly choked the life right out of me. I will never be a list of what to do, how to act, what to say. I was not created to be subservient and mild. I have learned to find my voice again and I am learning how to use it, tactfully.

Trauma choked me. It choked the uniqueness right out of me. Other people choked it out of me. Religion choked it out of me. It isn’t anyone else’s fault, I must have allowed it to happen at some point. But a few months ago, I had a realization that it was time I took my power back. I have something that doesn’t belong to anyone else but me and that is ME. Though the world around me presses in, beckoning to shape me into who IT wants me to be, I can stand my ground. Though living a trauma life has molded me into someone completely different than who I once was, I have the choice to not allow it to make me a bitter woman. Instead, I will allow it to add to my storehouse of wisdom and skill. Religion will not place its shackles around my wrists, Christ died to set me free and I am dearly loved! No person or establishment will tell me who to be, that is for me to discover.

This is freedom. These are the wide open spaces that all of us so desire. This isn’t, Hey anything goes but this is figuring out who we are in spite of all that we have been through. And we have a choice. Be a better person, a brighter- more forward looking person? Or do we sink into the depths in our pity and woe and remain there? You choose friend, who are you going to be today? The choice is yours.

Be blessed.

When giving up is not an option.

“Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts.” Albert Einstein

There are life circumstances that do not allow for giving up or even taking a break from those circumstances. These are the kind of circumstances that are day in and day out, from the moment you wake until you go to bed at night and sometimes throughout the night. These are the type of circumstances in which you need a mighty outpouring of grace each day to get through and thrive through. For some, this is just their lives and to others, it is a spectacle. Which maybe in some cases, it is both.

I like to keep it real on here. Sometimes it challenges the mind; “religion,” personal opinions, puts you in a place of; “well if that were me I would…..” —which is a dangerous place to put yourself in. I want to ask the question; why keep going? What drives a man or a woman to keep on pushing when there seems to be no reason to carry on? Is it pride? Hope? Stupidity? I can give you my reasons but what are yours? What spurs you on? The thrill; accomplishment, you can’t stop, Jesus?

I lived that other life, the one before Jesus. I was like a wayward child, following my any and every whim. I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted what I wanted at the moment, even if it had no eternal meaning or purpose. Eternity had no bearing on my decision making because I figured I was just going to go to hell anyway (thanks religion) so why not just do what I want to do while I’m here.

Since Jesus, I haven’t found perfection and all the universes answers haven’t been revealed to me but I know that if I pray about something, the Holy Spirit is faithful to answer me. Although there are some times where it feels as though the lines of communication are silent. He’s still there and I’m still here. Sometimes we can’t see through our own stuff to receive what He is saying. I don’t doubt His presence or His ability to share insight with me.

There are mountains that have not moved, they are big and exhausting. I detest the very sight of them because I know they don’t belong, they aren’t in line with “On earth as it is in heaven.” What are you supposed to do when you’re tired, you feel as though you just can’t do it anymore?

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.  Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:67-69

I know life is extremely difficult sometimes and often. I know some of us want nothing more than to just lay down and not get back up again. I know you are tired and weary. I’m not going to tell you to get back up and fight more, this isn’t your battle. This isn’t my battle either. I’m tired. Everyday I do what I need to do with the grace that Papa gives me each day, that is the only way I have come to discover how to get everything done. But where else are we going to go? Backwards isn’t the answer. Into hiding won’t suffice. Death is no solution at all, there is always a better answer than death. If you are contemplating suicide, please reach out to someone, there is always someone who is willing to help and listen. (including me)

“The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:19

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7

I’m not the kind of person who is going to throw a ton of scripture at you because that is what I “should do.” I place it here because I believe it. I believe that in spite of all my difficulties and disappointments, that Papa still loves me and walks with me through my every day life. I am willing to bet that He grieves right along with me. Buy why hasn’t this or what prayer been answered? Honestly, I don’t know but I’m not going to avoid Him or stop pressing in for answers and insight. The path I once walked was hopeless, on this path, I have a great deal of hope even when to most, it still looks hopeless.

I liked Peter’s response; “Lord, to whom shall we go?” There isn’t anywhere else to go. Once you have walked with Jesus, there isn’t anywhere else to go. If I don’t perceive there to be hope in this lifetime, there is hope in the next life. I know that at least in this lifetime I will never be alone, even when I feel alone. I will never be lost because He knows exactly where I am. I know He always knows how I feel, when I get the sense that no one else does. These things I take comfort in. When there seems to be nothing else, I have this, I have these promises. Do you not realize the bearing your beliefs have on your very lives?

“For as he thinks within himself, so is he.
He will grudgingly say, “Go ahead and eat all you want,”
but in his heart he resents the fact that he has to pay for your meal.” Proverbs 23:7 TPT

What you believe, truly believe is more evident in your life than what you speak. Don’t put on a show, just believe. What do you have to lose? You lose everything that was worth losing in the first place; anger, hatred, hopelessness, anxiousness, wayward living, purposelessness. When you have no reason to carry on, you still have one more reason, the One who loves you more dearly than you know. What is behind you is not worth revisiting. Get into a quiet space and give it all to Jesus, I can tell you from experience He’s got your back and He can handle anything you can manage to throw at Him.

I pray that this blessed somebody today. If you know some of my story, this post would make a lot more sense, so please read some prior posts to fill in some of the blanks. I know surrender isn’t always easy and pressing on isn’t either. But I know you have all the love and support you do need coming from the hands of a loving Father, just trust Him.