What do you want?

Can you accept the notion that once you change your internal state, you don’t need the external world to provide you with a reason to feel joy, gratitude, appreciation, or any other elevated emotion?” Dr. Joe Dispenza, breaking the habit of being yourself.

Fortunately I never fell into the self help trap of- ‘5 steps to a new you’ or something of the like. I’ve always innately understood that to get to the good stuff, it will likely take some work. But the question always was, where is the map?

When in the midst of trials, it isn’t always the easiest thing to ask God/Goddess or the universe because you aren’t thinking of perceiving correctly. So anything that comes through to you appears garbled, in riddles or blurry at best.

Sometimes the best thing to ask yourself is, what do I want? What will bring me the most joy? What makes my life complete? Envisioning yourself being well, filled with joy and happy. And if we are really perceptive, we will soon realize that there is no outside source that has the magic ticket but it is all found within. The greatest hurdle… getting the mind right.

We are all so accustomed to thinking about what troubles us but what about thinking about what we actually want? What if we were to focus solely on what we want and liberate our minds from the chains of our worries and concerns?

I had been told for years that meditating was not good because I was emptying my mind, rather than filling it with God’s word. But the trouble for me was the bible was still a place to attain to- the concepts and ways of living that were listed in it were to be achieved. Sure the holy spirit would help you get there, I understood that. But I always felt there was something more to it. I found that with disciplined bible reading, it wasn’t fixing the damage, it was merely paving over it. I didn’t feel like I was becoming a new person, I felt like I was putting on a new person but one that looked like me. If that makes any sense at all…

So over the last several months since we have been out in California and I am away from the projections of others, their perceptions of who I am, I have been able to discover who I really am. She does not identify with religion. She doesn’t hold a book above any other books. She prefers nature over a building called church. She would rather love people, just to love them without an agenda. Not to love them to save them from themselves. Because honestly, I believe this is how God loves people, Jesus sure did.

I had to ask myself what I wanted. A good hard questioning of myself. The answers weren’t the kind of answers I may have had 10 years ago, or even 6 months ago. I want peace. I want wholeness. I want to know the truth, the real truth. I want to walk away from anything that feels like its choking the life out of me. Or anything that looks like a “to do” list. I want to break free of the man made contructs of time and space.

We are here to build a new world because the old systems are failing and many have already failed but a small group of people keep gluing and taping it back together from behind the curtain and telling us to not pay attention to what is going in behind the curtain. The curtain needs to come down! The veil, if you will…

Life isn’t what we think it is. Many of the things we spend time chasing after and promoting are simply in place to keep us busy and often times complacent. We have been sold on ideas and ideologies. Do you really want a huge house and a ton of money in the bank? Will that make you feel whole? You know what many before us have said about what it is like at the top? 1, there is nothing at the top and 2, it is lonely up there.

Money won’t fill you; religion won’t fill you, a partner won’t do it either. Get your head in the game and seek an elevated way of living. Real living. If you can clear away all the clutter and chatter, you will see and hear the truth. It knows you are looking for it, it will come to you. Wholeness is found in and of self. You are indeed a terrifying person when you need nothing outside of yourself to find satisfaction and that is the way it ought to be.

I hope this helps and encourages someone today. This message revealed to me was of great comfort. It freed me from outside influences or circumstances within my environment. It gave me the courage to be stronger and to know I wasn’t burying my feelings or thoughts but that this is just who I am. I am independent of those around me, in the sense that I could remain uneffected and at the same time, we are all connected. It doesn’t have to alter my thoughts and actions. For any of you that have been following me here or my other blog for years prior, you have a vague idea of my daily challenges, so my sentiments in this last paragraph may make better sense to you.

This finding freedom blog was started as a consorted effort of sharing ideas and movements toward finding freedom and freedom of the mind is a massive player. Once you reach that place, what do you have left to fear?

Who do they see when they see you?

“Let them see you, In me
Let them hear you, When I speak
Let them feel you, When I sing
Let them see you
Let them see you in me” Song; Let them see you, JJ Weeks band.

When the road is hard and long and you have been waiting forever for your breakthrough, what comes out of you? When you are among other people, are you kind and patient and loving? When a friend is down on their luck, do you encourage them and give them a hand up? 

“If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?  Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:46-48

If you allow this scripture to sink in, it will guide you in the art of loving like Christ. What risk is there, being loving toward strangers? If we know who we are in Christ and know that our Papa loves us, there is no sense of rejection. If we can’t even manage to welcome people from outside our church into the 4 walls we call church, how are we any different than the rest of the world? People go to church every week looking for the answer to the age old question; why am I alive? The physical building of the church can lead someone to that answer. But they have to feel welcome there. Church isn’t a country club for the elite saved folks, it’s a hospital for the once sick, in process of recovery! We are all in process. Never think so highly of yourself, that you have arrived, you are changing and evolving and growing just like the rest of us. I certainly don’t want to go somewhere, where I feel like I have to try and fit in. I already should fit in because we are brothers and sisters in Christ and that is enough. If you think there is more than that to qualify, then that thought pattern needs to be thrown out.

You have what it takes to be like Jesus, more than you may comprehend. You already are like Jesus, He lives within you, His spirit moves and breathes within you. Allow His warmth to wrap around others and love on them. Allow His peace to permeate wherever you are. Let His words leave your lips and fall upon the ears of those around you. The people around you are dying to see Him, you may be the only Bible someone reads. It is more in how you conduct yourself, than it is in what you say. The Pharisees were the holiest of holy but Jesus had bones to pick with them at every turn. They talked an awful lot and kept themselves quite cleaned up but the conditions on their hearts and their motives stunk. We don’t want to be found to be anything like them.

Throw love and kindness around like glitter! You’ll never run out and it doesn’t matter if you ever receive it back because Papa sees what you do and He will surely reward you well.

I hope this encouraged someone today. I know it’s a hard line but it hurts to hear about people trying out church and leaving saying they will never return. For someone who doesn’t know Papa yet, that’s a difficult situation. They went looking for something and allowed themselves to be vulnerable enough to go and somewhere along the line, they were let down. Heck, I’ve recently had some less than stellar church experiences but I know who Papa is, so I’m not discouraged. I’m sad about it, sure and it needs to change but we will continue our search for our new church home. It just won’t be the places we have already gone. I don’t want a red carpet but I do hope to see love for Jesus and love for your fellow believer. You can’t really have one without the other. Jesus did tell us, to love one another as I have loved you. If we miss that target, we’ve missed everything. God bless you all.

Over coming PTSD and medical related anxiety.

“But first seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34

I used to sleep with one eye open. We had a very long hard road when Lily was born and there was no end in sight. On her 5th day of life she was put on oxygen, we were told her lungs were underdeveloped even though she was full term. Immediately upon birth she had already been whisked off to the NICU and had been experiencing an extended stay in the hospital, with the newest development, her stay was extended. Sitting in the corner of that room holding her, there were alarms going off everywhere, a lot of the time. Sometimes it was her, sometimes it was other babies. They don’t call them alarms for no reason, when it is your child panic rises up within you. I felt as though my heart was going to jump out of my chest every time her alarm went off. All I could think was oh dear God, please tell me it isn’t something major.

Her oxygen saturation would drop out of no where and for no known reason. To tell you the truth, it didn’t even make sense that her lungs were underdeveloped either but we went along with the doctors as they seemed to know somewhat, what they were doing. Oh the alarms my friend… I’m holding my dear little one, trying to bond with her amidst all the noise and chaos and trying to allow my mommy instincts to kick in when; beep beep beep beep beep. Not a quiet beeping but a long terrifying one. It was awful.

Lily only spent 10 days in the NICU but she was set to go home on oxygen. I fought to get a pulse ox sent home with us, as they weren’t going to send one. We spent one night in the parent suite with her to do a test run. The nurses were just a short way down the hall from us. I laid in bed while she slept with one eye open. I was watching her oxygen saturation bobble between 98% and 87%, I knew her alarm would sound if she dropped to 85%. So here is where it began. I was waiting for her to dip that extra 2%. She had done it many times during waking hours, why not while asleep too? I was terrified to try and fall asleep and have that alarm wake me up. It was an awful sound. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know how to, it was as though I forgot. In a matter of a few days a little machine that was monitoring my daughter had slapped its terrifying handcuffs on me, I was subject to the machine now. In an effort to get some shut eye, when she woke for her next bottle and diaper, I zipped her into my favorite mommy hoodie, reclined in the rocking chair and closed my eyes. I slept for 15 minutes.

When we finally did take her home, the homecare medical team met us at our house and showed us how to use our new equipment. We had ample tanks of oxygen, plenty of canulas and plenty of line to stretch across the house. Oh yes and of course a pulse ox to alert us should her numbers take a dive. We were all set right? Ready for success! Wrong. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I watched those numbers for many nights, it became a game. Were they going to go up again or move down a percent? Finally I reached my cracking point, I broke emotionally from sleep deprivation. My husband and I made an agreement to take shifts. Oh my gosh, what a relief! He stayed up all night with her so I could sleep and I got up bright and early in the morning so he could go to bed. We finally figured out the sleep thing.

I had to start doing normal stuff again like leaving the house. Panic would set in. I wasn’t afraid to leave Lily with my husband, I was afraid to talk to people. I didn’t want to talk about what I had just been through. What else was I to talk about? If I saw anyone I knew, they would know I just had a baby and ask how the baby is doing. So there was that anxiety. The next one was far worse, going to stores. If I managed to not feel like I was going to vomit anymore and mustered up the courage the step over the threshold of the store, the first thing I was bombarded with was people noise and the beeping from the cash registers. Deep breaths as I moved through the aisles. I would hear a loud noise and jump, my heart rocketing up into my throat. I was so grieved that I was experiencing this, I beat myself up about it for quite sometime, having a pep talk like; hey, you are a healthy individual who is also very outgoing and social, what the heck is wrong with you!? I just couldn’t do it. My dear husband took over on grocery shopping for a while. I drew the line when I came home sobbing from the store one day. It wasn’t just PPD for me, it was all of the above. It was the death of the child we thought we were going to have. It was PTSD; it was anxiety, depression, grief, sleep deprivation… I could hardly eat!

I think I have painted you a clear enough picture, I hope. What did I do? I began to say no. I began to do it scared. I began to get back out there and try to socialize. I said no to the thoughts and feelings that accompanied all these diagnoses and reaffirmed who I am in Christ. One of my favorite scriptures that I clung to; “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

I cannot take credit for the changes that were made within my mind. God did all the work but my part in it was handing it over to Him. I couldn’t do it. It was well above my ability to take good care of a sickly baby and take care of myself. I was so depressed and distraught, I didn’t cook for 6 months! If you know me, you know I spend a lot of time in the kitchen.

I reached a place in my journey where I realized how severely broken I was and I wanted change, I did not want to live like that anymore. I did not want to jump when I heard a loud sound. I did not want my heart to feel like it was going to beat right out of my chest. I needed to be calm first, for myself but also for Lily, children feed off of our energy. I didn’t want to be basket-case mom anymore. It was painful physically and I felt like it was killing me. So, I gave it to Papa and little by little He helped me through the alarms and the noise and talking to people again. He helped me get free.

Lily was cleared to get off oxygen at 6 months of age. I kept the pulse ox on her at night for a while just to be certain and eventually when i felt like it was time, placed it in the closet. That was a huge faith step for me. Little did we know we weren’t done with alarms. Lily has spent many nights in the hospital hooked up to all kinds of monitors. She came home on TPN (total IV nutrition) last summer before her g-j tube surgery. The pump on the TPN had an alarm. The pump for her gtube has an alarm. Now my husband and I have a phrase that we have shared with others on how we handle the alarms, we say— it’s not oxygen and we chuckle knowing we already tackled that one.

I know this is a long post but I also know someone needed to read this. I know there are folks out there suffering in the grips of PTSD; anxiety, medical trauma, social anxiety etc. There is a way out. I don’t know if you have a relationship with Papa God but He is an amazing Father that deeply cares about you and your mental health. He didn’t cause your trauma. I could have easily blamed Him for Lily’s condition, citing, that if He was such a loving God how could He ever allow something like this to happen to an innocent child? (or one of the many other atrocities in the world) I do know He didn’t cause it. We live in a broken world but as light bearers in this world we have the privilege and ability to bring light to dark circumstances. I have Christ within me and He is the light! He is the reason why I have any hope at all! Friend, I hope this blessed you. If you are struggling, please reach out to me or to someone else, there is help and His name is Jesus, I will happily tell you all about Him. God bless you all.